The title of this essay was supposed to be “Mockingbird”. I thought my third strategy would center on helping student take the mickey out of misinformed, miseducated and/or delusional teachers, but I haven’t been able to find the energy to write it. Today, I realized why.
I teach history and English, but mostly I teach my students that only the educated are free. I tell them we’re training to be warrior poets, that my job is to develop their ability to defend what is true, good, and beautiful.
Yes, it’s corny, but their eyes light up — especially the boys. You should see how hard they work, how many questions they ask, how they strive to understand the past and its stories.
They want to be great.
Frederick Douglass knew: you must take an education. Read deeply and widely. Judge in accordance with that learning, acknowledging Dos Passos’s warning against “the idiot delusion of the exceptional Now that prevents clear thinking.”
It weighs on me that I can’t help more kids see they’re marinated in lies. Not just lies, untruths so deep that they are designed to drive kids into radical activism toward the forfeiture of natural rights in the name of illusory safety.
I got called into the principal’s office the other day because my approach is not soft enough with colleagues, especially administration. They find me too harsh, too critical — of the adults. I’ll let you think about what that says about the state of schools, even those established to fight Freirean/Marcusean indoctrination of defenseless children, but it also speaks to why this post has been nagging me for so long. Mockery as a strategy doesn’t suit me, even though I laugh easily and often.
We are at war.
And that’s why I changed this post. While I still believe teenage boys especially should take the mickey out of every woke teacher at every opportunity, we need a strategy supported by tactics even if we’ve not yet gone kinetic, hopefully, to prevent going kinetic.
Please note: If you’re reading this and thinking, “What will this do to my kid’s GPA?” Go in peace; may your chains (and your children’s) set lightly upon you (them).
And now I give you:
Son Tzu.
Teachers are notoriously wimpy. They cannot handle criticism. They are used to being in control. They are used to making tacit threats about graduation and grades and snarky comments about cleaning toilets and working at McDonalds when a student resists and then watching with smirking satisfaction as the kid slides obediently back into line.
No más.
War.
The art of war teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the enemy’s not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him; not on the chance of his not attacking, but rather on the fact that we have made our position unassailable.
It IS in the schools: critical pedagogy, race essentialism, gender fluidity, misandry: all of it. We know the enemy is coming; in fact, the enemy in our schools has been fortifying their positions for years.
So, how do you make your own position unassailable?
There’s only one way, and I’m coming out the gate with it. You have to give exactly zero damns what happens to your GPA or “permanent record”. This is not zero risk — with SEL and data recording there is a chance you could be reported to the “authorities”, such as they are.
But if you’re still sweating your grades, your place on the football team, your chance of getting the right recommendations, you’ve already lost.
If your opponent is temperamental, seek to irritate him.
Ask to use the bathroom a lot. Leave and enter the room loudly. When the teacher asks you to be less disruptive, shrug your shoulders and say, “I’ll try.”
Sharpen your pencil when he’s talking.
Get up to blow your nose, loudly, without leaving the room.
Have side conversations asking basic questions of seatmates that are appropriate to the lesson. Then when he tells you to stop talking, declaim loudly that you were just asking “what page we’re on” or “where this is in the textbook” or “if you said there was any homework tonight”.
If asked to leave the room, go for a walk and find a counselor to tell that the teacher kicked you out of class and you’re very upset about that; in California at least, teachers are not allowed to do that as it denies you an education, which is your right per the state constitution.
Also, there are other teachers in the school who can help you with this. Watch the problem kids. Learn from their mastery of this tactic.
Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant.
Get bad grades. Fail his tests. When he throws them in your face, respond that his class is “Fake and gay” and enjoy the show. Have popcorn at the ready to eat when he loses his mind.
In fact, you should always have popcorn at the ready. As soon as your activist teacher starts ranting on his pet topic, sit back, open up a bag, and eat noisily. If he asks you to stop, say you will,just as soon as his comedy routine is over and he gets back to the curriculum he’s supposed to be teaching.
If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected.
If you’re ever walking behind him, say “Hello, Mr. Smith! Lovely weather we’re having!” loudly and warmly, as if he is your favorite teacher. It will drive him absolutely bonkers.
If you run into him in the hallway, exclaim, “I really enjoyed your class today, Mr. Smith. I learned ever so much!”
Your grade will suffer. It will totally be worth it.
Numerical weakness comes from having to prepare against possible attacks; numerical strength, from compelling our adversary to make these preparations against us.
Recruit your friends. Get them to do the same things you’re doing. You will be heroes. A lot of kids will be afraid of you, but these are the weak masses that courageous men must protect from their own frailty.
Admin will call you into the office and separate you from your friends, hoping one of you is weak. They will lecture you. They will tell you you are not being inclusive. That you are unkind.
Sticks and stones, baby.
They may call you hateful. That you are creating a climate that is not inclusive. They may say you need to attend a training (struggle) session.
Great. Go to whatever re-education camp taught by some drop-kick ex-middle-management loser to which they send you. Do exactly the same things to her that you did that landed you there in the first place.
If you’ve got the guts, use a Sharpie on your backpack and make hash marks on it to record every complaint, every weak teacher telling-off, every hallway finger-wagging lecture, every pathetic Assistant Principal "restorative conversation” like WWII fighter pilots used to paint on their planes after every kill.
You’ll get a million detentions, and maybe some Saturday schools, but here’s a little secret: they can’t make you serve them.
All armies prefer high ground to low and sunny places to dark.
Never, ever consent to a private disciplinary conversation with any teacher. Walk away. Make the teacher follow you down the hall. Total boss move. And remember: they are PROHIBITED from laying hands on you.
If a teacher persists, tell him that if he wants to talk, he’ll have to schedule a conference with your parent, your lawyer, and your education advocate.
I’d bet $20 after you say that, they’ll never again try to continue a conversation once you turn your back on them. And once they’ve ceded that ground, there’s almost NOTHING they can do to stop you.
Do not repeat the tactics which have gained you one victory, but let your methods be regulated by the infinite variety of circumstances.
If the teacher is getting used to your bad behavior, change it up.
The best way to do this? Pepper him with interested questions. Do your research on his pet topic. Come with questions prepared that subtly push him to face the contradictions inherent in his position. Ask him how he would solve them. Ask him how intersectionality complicates real solutions at scale. Ask him how shifting everyone to renewables will affect poverty in the third world. Ask him if he knows where the lithium in his batteries comes from. (Your parents would probably love to help you with this project.)
Most of all, ask him how what he’s pushing in the classroom isn’t plain old white (or white-adjacent) saviorism. It doesn’t matter how adjacent he is; as a teacher he has power and privilege and school is compulsory. This question will shake him.
More importantly, it will undermine his authority with the other kids. Even if nothing more comes of this, you’ve done your classmates a huge favor by teaching them that the authority of the state is a thin veneer backed up only by force, not expertise or true concern for the general welfare.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Once the cracks in the dam appear, people start to get nervous. Nervous people make mistakes. Opportunities for tough questions, mockery, and pointing out mistakes will come more frequently.
Don’t let any pass. Even if your blows don’t always land the way you thought they would, you’ll spark passing period conversations with friends. They’ll help sharpen you for next time.
So in war, the way is to avoid what is strong and to strike at what is weak.
I cannot state this strongly enough.
You must demonstrate prudence in this war. If the teacher stays on-task, if she lectures appropriately to what’s in the textbook or the learning objectives, if she is trying to follow her curriculum with fidelity, you must leave her alone or you will turn the others against you.
When she sticks to her actual job she is strong. The SECOND she slips, the second she tries to have a generative conversation with you to slide you from the class content into her cult of belief or personality, attack again.
When her math lesson becomes a conversation about how much more kids on the upper East side have than those in the Bronx, when his science lecture moves from sex to gender, when her history lesson tries to establish 1619 as the birth of America, she’s weak; she doesn’t have community support.
The state has encouraged her to do this. Our regulators (mostly unelected in education) want to make sure you leave school as ignorant and confused as possible. In order to make school chaotic they have removed all penalties for poor behavior. She has no support if you go on the attack and ignore the school “leadership”. She can’t get you out of her class. She can’t suspend you. She can give you detentions, but if my old sites are anything to judge by, you can ignore those.
When she exposes herself as a critical theorist, race marxist, or gender ideologue, you’d be a fool not to take a shot at her (weak) authority.
Success in warfare is gained by carefully accommodating ourselves to the enemy’s purpose.
Get good grades in all the classes not taught by ideologues. In fact, if your parents are game, enroll in the local community college’s 101 course in your wannabe-cult-leader teacher’s subject. If your parents are in communication with the principal over your behavior, have them let the principal know you’re deeply interested in the course. So interested, in fact, you begged them to enroll you in a similar course at the local community college. You just feel the class has taken a wrong turn and instead of learning English/History/Science the teacher is foisting her personal beliefs on you over the legally established curriculum of the course, i.e., what’s in the school-board-adopted textbook.
If you can recite lines of poetry do it. If you know history and he’s actually talking about it, add to the discussion or ask a nuanced question. Be the star in the science class who knows the answer to every question. In other words, annoy the crap out of these teachers with the knowledge that if they actually took the time to teach, they might be able to have a hugely positive net effect on the future, instead of the destructive one that leads to misery, slavery, and genocide they’ve currently adopted.
When the teacher calls you out in class, remind him that you love the course material but you’re not interested in joining his cult and you’re tired of him trying to convert you. USE THAT LANGUAGE.
Comparing him to a religious leader will probably mean your grade drops further. Oh well. YOLO.
If you are far from the enemy, make him believe you are near.
Find their social media. Believe me, young teachers all have one. Create multiple fake accounts to follow them, posing as a like-minded teacher. Take screenshots with extreme prejudice. Build the circumstantial evidence which will demonstrate to a principal or school board that this teacher may very well be using her classroom as a bully pulpit.
Every so often, mention something from their social media in class, but paraphrase it so she’s not quite sure if you’re referencing one of her posts.
They may think twice about what they post if they recognize you’re quoting them. Either that or they’ll take their profile private. Doubtful though: these types are insecure as hell and need constant outside affirmation.
Hey, at least it’ll make lunch more interesting.
In battle, there are not more than two methods of attack—the direct and the indirect; yet these two in combination give rise to an endless series of maneuvers. In all fighting, the direct method may be used for joining battle, but indirect methods will be needed in order to secure victory.
Mostly, I’ve told you to be direct, but the greatest indirect attack is Socratic questioning. As soon as your teacher gets up in her bully pulpit raise your hand and ask questions. Do it like @PierrePolievre; this is the model both of calling out their faith politely and expressing disdain without disrespect.
When the enemy is relaxed, make them toil. When full, starve them. When settled, make them move.
On a day when you can tell your teacher has come in feeling her oats, sit back, pull out your phone and play. Act like you don’t care what she says.
In fact, don’t care. In the long run, she’s immaterial to your life. Her job for you now is to serve as a sparring partner. You’ll have bigger fish to fry, believe me.
Then, once she’s settled in, see if you can land some snark. If she tells you to leave class, tell her she has no right to deprive you of your education. Per Ed Code, disrespect is not a suspendable offense.
Sit there in your desk and DO NOT MOVE until the bell rings.
The following are the principles to be observed by an invading force: The further you penetrate into a country, the greater will be the solidarity of your troops, and thus the defenders will not prevail against you.
Start with the weakest teacher. Your ELA teachers and quite likely a young social studies teacher (if he’s not also a coach) will be well-versed in critical pedagogy. They’ll love Freire and KenDiAngelo. They’ll believe in the righteousness of their cause.
DO NOT start with them. Start with the science teacher who doesn’t have as much latitude in her curriculum but feels compelled to speak out on 2SLGBTQIA+ issues in earth science. Tweak the nose of the foreign language teacher who ventures into social justice territory.
You’re not doing it to pwn any of them; you’re doing it to get the kids who are also sick of this nonsense and would like to actually learn on your side. They need to see you succeed. They need to timidly join in, feel some success, then go in with you.
First you marshal troops, then you go after the commie English teacher — together.
Keep it fun though. Remember: ignore the detentions and the Saturday Schools. Nobody enforces them anymore anyway. If they do, don’t worry about it. Lots of people don’t know this, but you don’t need a high school diploma to enroll in community college.
In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity.
Guess what, kids? Your schools are in absolute, abject, undeniable chaos. Make hay while the sun shines and punish them for STEALING your time in exchange for the shabby counterfeit of an education your state is offering.
Parents at War
Look, I get it. Life is hard. Everything is really expensive. You’re trying to build a legacy. You’re trying to build a family, but I’m going to let Sun Tzu tell you why sending your kid to war may undermine everything you’re doing.
There is no instance of a nation benefiting from prolonged warfare. In war, then, let your great object be victory, not lengthy campaigns.
13 years mom. Yes, some of the teachers will be okay. One or two might be great. But the rest? If nothing else, think about how much time is wasted in the typical school day. Experts estimate that elementary aged kids waste between 1 and 2 hours a day just lining up for recesses and lunch and movement for instruction that takes place outside hte primary classroom.
Ask your kid, “If you got all your assignments at the beginning of the day, how long would it take you to finish your work?” The answer may shock you.
Think: how could you avoid sending your child into a lengthy campaign that would also upend the education establishment holding American captive?
The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.
You can’t fight this monster head to head. Moms4Liberty is trying and they are being painted as bigoted, privileged white women in desperate need of decolonization.
Ironically, your kid is in a better tactical position to fight these people, but how can we send in children to fight a revolution we created by relinquishing our responsibilities to keep a weather eye on the state?
In the practical art of war, the best thing of all is to take the enemy’s country whole and intact; to shatter and destroy it is not so good.
We need to take the schools back. They are an excellent example of how a Republic is supposed to work at the local level. In order to do that though, we need to ensure that our kids actually get an education. It’s nearly impossible to do if you are sending them into a school building for 7-8 hours a day.
Even the finest sword plunged into salt water will eventually rust.
I’ll say it again: 13 years. There’s a reason your kids aren’t telling you what their teachers are saying. They’re exhausted, dulled by the constant stress of needing to please you by getting good grades and distrusting the people who hand out those grades.
If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.
This is the main problem with sending your kids in to fight. Have youy had enough time to really teach them the what and why of the values you hold dear? If not, they won’t know why they’re fighting. They will be easy to defeat.
And if there’s one thing you don’t want, it’s a defeated teenager. They grow into dependent adults.
The state may love that, but it will mean you failed.
Don’t fail. Fight. There is nothing more important than your child. If enough parents operate under that premise, we may be able to save liberty for the next generation.
If you’ve made it this far and don’t have the desire to curse me and my posterity, please hit the like button. This makes my posts more visible to other parents who don’t understand how much worse things have become since they left school. The system actively robs American children of their full potential in order to serve mediocre adults and maintain power in the hands where it currently rests. Only parents can reverse this trend; American authoritarianism is born in its “free” public schools.
Share it everywhere you can. Parents need to stop griping about GPA and recognize that no education could be better than the one you get fighting the state. Come on, people, you saw Red Dawn! It's time to end this long train of abuses and usurpation. Our kids are either going to die fighting their war or they're going to win taking their war to the useless minions of the state.
You should write a book! This is great!!